I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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