OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
