The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
