his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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