i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
