why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
