hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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