i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
