I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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