So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
