he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
