Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
