So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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