There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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