Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
