Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
