She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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