my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
