She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
