remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
