He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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