Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
