Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
