I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
