You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
