No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
