I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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