Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
