Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
