Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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