I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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