I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
