Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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