hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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