I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
