I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
