his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We left an ass print on the piano.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
