I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
