Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
