Pappa wants mamma naked
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
