I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
