I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
