using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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