There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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