if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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