im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
