Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
