put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
