Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
