just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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