I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so let's talk penis.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That was before I lit my hair on fire
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
