the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
